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All Deviations


I call out
To my shadow
It moves on
Taking my place
In your reality
A sham
A fictitious version
Of myself
Of who I am
I'm here
But I'm hidden
Within
So invisible
Even I've forgotten
I exist
I've become my shadow
To escape your reality
To escape to my own
My substitution
Where I'm good enough
Where I'm visible
But it fades to black
And I'm left broken
And alone
A shadow of myself
A reflection
In your reality
©2008 ~Salem-rae
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Submitted: March 20
File Size: 660 bytes
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Comments: 9
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Author's Comments

It's kinda depressing I know, but I wrote in like a minute.
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~GraigRussell:iconGraigRussell: Mar 20, 2008, 7:58:58 PM
I think you have a great foundation here. I find it really hard to redraft things, but when I do, they invariably come out stronger for it. I'd suggest taking the concepts in the poem, and that nice image of the shadow and building it up from the ground again.
I always think 'show, don't tell' when it comes to poetry.
Lastly, I'm not sure what the lack of punctuation is doing for the poem.
Like I say, I think you've got some good foundations here. give it a rehash and make it brilliant!
~Salem-rae:iconSalem-rae: Mar 20, 2008, 11:10:00 PM
Thank you very much I appreciate it and I will keep that in mind. I often don't get around to redrafting my poems, but I may revisit this one when I have more time :XD: Thanks again, your tips and critique are again greatly appreciated .

--
Refuse to set limits, aim beyond the sky

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Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most :p
~bananasplit2010:iconbananasplit2010: Mar 21, 2008, 1:12:19 PM
nice work!
i love the idea as well!

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"Some friendships are made by nature, some by contract, some by interest, and some by souls."
-Jeremy Tayor
Christ has already overcome the world!
~John 16:33~
Ces't la vie
~Salem-rae:iconSalem-rae: Mar 21, 2008, 7:36:41 PM
Thank you very much :XD::glomp:

--
Refuse to set limits, aim beyond the sky

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most :p
~bananasplit2010:iconbananasplit2010: Mar 22, 2008, 8:50:50 AM
you are most welcome!!

--
"Some friendships are made by nature, some by contract, some by interest, and some by souls."
-Jeremy Tayor
Christ has already overcome the world!
~John 16:33~
Ces't la vie
*KavotofFire:iconKavotofFire: Mar 23, 2008, 1:03:56 PM
This poem has a nice flow to it.
~xxxKrissKrossxxx:iconxxxKrissKrossxxx: Apr 5, 2008, 5:45:05 PM
"Taking my place, In your reality, A sham, A fictitious version, Of myself, Of who I am" Wow, that's deep...I really enjoyed this piece and that line there I could relate to, I actually was discussion of "reality" a peoples perceptions last night ironically. Anyway yeah who's to say the way you veiw me is really who I am? Too true...not saying the way you percieve me is false...but you know what I mean...I mean more so the people I hide myself from my IRL friends...it's weird.

So I guess that echoes how you were feeling not too long ago huh? I was feeling that way again today...it's just so sad... :( :sniff:

Great work on this though! :D :thumbsup:

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:peace:, :love:, & :gallery:!
"Ignore me if you see me, cause I just don't give a sh*t."~Cobra Starship, “The City Is At War” "Do you know who I am? Good, neither do I…You can hate me, after you pay me!"~Cobra Starship, "Prostitution Is the Oldest…”
~Salem-rae:iconSalem-rae: Apr 18, 2008, 9:23:23 PM
:glomp: Thank you as always ^~^ And yah, that one was written when I was having a bad day :( But for the past week or two I've been awesome!! I'm sorry to hear you were feeling down again though! :hug:

--
Refuse to set limits, aim beyond the sky

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most :p
~Salem-rae:iconSalem-rae: Apr 18, 2008, 9:33:01 PM
Thank you ^~^

--
Refuse to set limits, aim beyond the sky

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most :p